If an omniscient God really exists, then he will not be fooled by my pretending to believe. It is better to stop fooling myself and live honestly regarding what is going on in my heart.
You may not be able to talk about your doubts or questions with those closest to you, but that doesn’t mean that you have to keep pretending. Just stop faking it. Stop pretending to be happy with your religious or ideological practices, stop going to meetings, and stop hating yourself!
Start journaling your true thoughts and feelings. If you can find a mature, understanding confidant, talk to them – have coffee or meals together.
And start reading books by people who’ve gone through what you’re experiencing. You are not alone in this journey. Warning! Many books by former ideologues are very biased against where they came from, and are filled with unhelpful and wrong perspectives.
Try to find books by people who are somewhat respectful of their former position, even if they disagree with it. You can start with my post Books on Leaving Faith.
The impact on you should be immediate relief. No more fakery. You may not have ‘come out’ to your friends and family yet, but at least now you can be at home with yourself as you allow yourself to go on this journey towards integrity. Congratulations! You can do it!
Your friends and family may notice a change. It may be wise to avoid direct confrontations, discussions, or arguments about what you are thinking. For now, just put them off by telling them that you are “doing some internal work, just thinking about where you are going in life, and don’t want to talk about it right now.” That’ll do.